Navigating the Storms

I have not posted on this blog site for quite a while. My book, Setting God Free: Awakening to Miracles was published a few months ago, and in almost exact synchronicity, complications arose in my life (or at least in the lives of some around me) which caused me to feel pain, grief, and frustration. It seemed that the closer I got to some sort of victory, or the more I gave of myself, the more strife came toward me. In the spiritual world, the ideas of the laws of attraction tell us that we attract what we put out, but another element of the laws of attraction is that the closer we get to what it is we desire, the more opposites will also come our way, as opportunities to give some final release that will open new doors and gateways. Just when we are about to touch what it is we have set out to create, its opposite will show up. Perhaps this is to allow us to dig down into our faith to fuel the rest of the miracle, or to fuel a greater one. It is easy to talk about faith when things run smoothly, but to remain steadfast to our purpose even through rough waters, through repeated storms, is a different kind of faith.

After my book came out, my faith was tested, not only with deeply emotional issues, but in looking at my response to those things and what they might be teaching me. These events required me to be able to love without getting drained. There were financial struggles, calling for me to navigate a sea of obligation while still steering my ship in the direction of my purpose and my dreams. My journey for the last several years has required faith, required going against the grain, taking leaps that might not make sense in the worldly ways, quite often feeling alone and without much support. All of that got ratcheted up when my book was published - getting in the way of my focus. I bounced between clarity and confusion, determination and defeat, but I never totally left my course.

Two month ago, through these difficulties, I started hosting an online radio show that would allow me to share my gifts further, and also to put them "out there" in a bigger way, not worrying about what others would think. On the show, Awakening to Angels & Spirit, I give spiritual insights and then devote most of the show to intuitive "readings" for callers, helping them rely on angels & spirit for guidance, offering myself as a vessel for those messages. The show, like the book, required financial investment from me. It was at a time when I had drained myself financially on this journey of discovering my gifts and sharing them. This was an even greater leap, because it put me on the spot, where I publicly stepped into an arena that is often criticized and mocked. Even though I had fears about whether or not I could do it, I felt such a force and energy behind me that I readily committed to it and didn't look back.

So many times, I have been told that I have changed someone's life. That is uplifting and humbling at the same time - humbling because I know that it came from a Source that is greater than my imagination or my ability to comprehend at this point in my evolution. But as I stepped forward and began the radio show, it seemed that even more hardship came my way. More doses of heartbreaking experiences, more doses of financial upheaval. But I have stayed the journey so far.

Throughout these latest twists and turns, one part of me that has been affected significantly has been my writing. I have been able to post small things on my facebook fanpage (Seeing Miracles Every Day: A Course In Miracles), but have not been able to comprise anything of measure. I have been in a drought. This last week brought another disappointment. I felt broken, but rather than fighting the feeling, I surrendered. My surrender was not in the way that we often think of surrender - of giving up, howiever; what I surrendered was not the goodness, but the fear. I surrendered to a higher power and to all the miracles that can work from that space. I let go -- again! -- of elements of fear that were still inside me, lurking and trying to hide so that they could come out later. I dug into myself to find more traces of doubt -- more traces of unworthiness -- more lingering bits of some belief that I did not deserve the wonders of heaven. I purged. I asked God to once again strike me with the lightning bolt of enlightenment - and this time in an even deeper way because of the growth that I had already received on this journey. I asked to again be lifted up to that space of all-knowing peace that set me on this ride to begin with. I promised I would be willing to share or make myself available for that if it was meant to be.

I asked and I received. A peace and joy came over me where I could see the path - see the miracles and the promise ahead, and this time, it has stayed. It has not been moments that have flashed and then dwindled -- it has lingered and grown. So I continue on my journey for now, not knowing exactly where it will take me, ready to shift and change direction as needed, but here -- and feeling on course again -- at least for the moment, and that is all I can concern myself with. The moment is where our power lies.

As Louisa May Alcott said, "I am learning to sail my ship." The storms may come and they may scare me, but each one teaches me. And each one gets me closer to the Promised Land. It is within my glimpse and it is beautiful beyond expression.

Is It All A Lie?

A few years ago, I was in an workshop put on by Sonia Choquette working with changing your vibration in order to achieve more sensory perception and joy. Sonia is a best-selling author with Hay House Publishing and is very entertaining. I remember laughing and feeling a lot of excitement and joy in the room, and learning how vibration can be a key element in a person's spiritual evolution.

But what I remember most from the workshop is not the exercises that we did, but a story she told about a client that she had worked with who was dying of cancer. This woman had been a client for quite some time, so Sonia knew her fairly well, or thought she did. The client was a woman who had had a wonderful and exemplary life...she had an enduring marriage and great financial success, four wonderful children who had gone into successful careers and lives, she had been a fabulous hostess, volunteer, dedicated church member, and model citizen...a life and legacy that most would envy. But during one visit, the client had asked Sonia, "How do I tell them?" Sonia thought she meant, "How do I tell them I am dying of cancer?"...but when she started to offer her best answer, the client interrupted her, and said, "No..I am at peace with the cancer and talking about that... I mean, how do I tell them it was all a lie?...That I never did what I came here to do...that it was a life wasted?" and proceeded to explain how she had never really been herself but had spent her lifetime pleasing others, never having the courage to make changes because she had a life that most would envy.

She was on her deathbed wondering why she had not been her true self, but had instead succumbed to the "ideal life" that we all are taught to strive for. She had deep regret that she had not lived out her real life purpose because of settling for the lifestyle, because of letting the world decide her happiness.

When I heard this story, it hit me in my gut, resonating deep within my solar plexus, ringing loudly in my ears. That line, "How do I tell them it was all a lie?" echoed in my head, as I realized that my life had been much of the same, through no real (or at least not intentional) fault of my own or those around me, but instead through the societal ideals that are put forth for us which never really encourage us to explore, which work hard to keep us within tight boundaries, marching to that same drum. I had let myself be lulled into the my life, put to sleep, so to speak, through the repetitve lull of routine or expectation.

Since that workshop, I have thought of that line many times. It was a moment that has kept me on course in being different, in accepting unusual gifts, in being willing to go out on a limb or risk others' disapproval or questioning. While I had already been doing that to some extent, that message was like a loud roar, asking me to find and live my true purpose. I did not want to one day be on my own deathbed and look back to realize that it was all a lie, or that I had come here with a purpose but had never truly sought it, never found it, never lived up to it.

I have a feeling that there are many others who feel at a crossroads about their seemingly good lives, knowing that there is more on their lifeplan, that they have a greater purpose. There is unrest, but it is a good unrest. We are familiar with saying that truth will set you free, yet few of us really live in truth, in that deep and soulful truth. When we do live in that place, it is unmistakable. We have joy that exudes from us. When we get out of that place, something always seem a little off, small things agitate us, we are not our true selves, and we are certainly not our highest selves. We often assess our lives based on the outward illusions, sometimes finding bits of happiness or contentment within those confines, but not finding supreme joy, a joy that comes from living in harmony with your soul and purpose.

But as I have written so many times on this blog or elsewhere, there is a path home. There is a way out. It may not be entirely easy and it may take you time to find it, but it will give you joy, and it is there if you ask and follow.

Click here for more information about Sonia Choquette's work.