Navigating the Storms

I have not posted on this blog site for quite a while. My book, Setting God Free: Awakening to Miracles was published a few months ago, and in almost exact synchronicity, complications arose in my life (or at least in the lives of some around me) which caused me to feel pain, grief, and frustration. It seemed that the closer I got to some sort of victory, or the more I gave of myself, the more strife came toward me. In the spiritual world, the ideas of the laws of attraction tell us that we attract what we put out, but another element of the laws of attraction is that the closer we get to what it is we desire, the more opposites will also come our way, as opportunities to give some final release that will open new doors and gateways. Just when we are about to touch what it is we have set out to create, its opposite will show up. Perhaps this is to allow us to dig down into our faith to fuel the rest of the miracle, or to fuel a greater one. It is easy to talk about faith when things run smoothly, but to remain steadfast to our purpose even through rough waters, through repeated storms, is a different kind of faith.

After my book came out, my faith was tested, not only with deeply emotional issues, but in looking at my response to those things and what they might be teaching me. These events required me to be able to love without getting drained. There were financial struggles, calling for me to navigate a sea of obligation while still steering my ship in the direction of my purpose and my dreams. My journey for the last several years has required faith, required going against the grain, taking leaps that might not make sense in the worldly ways, quite often feeling alone and without much support. All of that got ratcheted up when my book was published - getting in the way of my focus. I bounced between clarity and confusion, determination and defeat, but I never totally left my course.

Two month ago, through these difficulties, I started hosting an online radio show that would allow me to share my gifts further, and also to put them "out there" in a bigger way, not worrying about what others would think. On the show, Awakening to Angels & Spirit, I give spiritual insights and then devote most of the show to intuitive "readings" for callers, helping them rely on angels & spirit for guidance, offering myself as a vessel for those messages. The show, like the book, required financial investment from me. It was at a time when I had drained myself financially on this journey of discovering my gifts and sharing them. This was an even greater leap, because it put me on the spot, where I publicly stepped into an arena that is often criticized and mocked. Even though I had fears about whether or not I could do it, I felt such a force and energy behind me that I readily committed to it and didn't look back.

So many times, I have been told that I have changed someone's life. That is uplifting and humbling at the same time - humbling because I know that it came from a Source that is greater than my imagination or my ability to comprehend at this point in my evolution. But as I stepped forward and began the radio show, it seemed that even more hardship came my way. More doses of heartbreaking experiences, more doses of financial upheaval. But I have stayed the journey so far.

Throughout these latest twists and turns, one part of me that has been affected significantly has been my writing. I have been able to post small things on my facebook fanpage (Seeing Miracles Every Day: A Course In Miracles), but have not been able to comprise anything of measure. I have been in a drought. This last week brought another disappointment. I felt broken, but rather than fighting the feeling, I surrendered. My surrender was not in the way that we often think of surrender - of giving up, howiever; what I surrendered was not the goodness, but the fear. I surrendered to a higher power and to all the miracles that can work from that space. I let go -- again! -- of elements of fear that were still inside me, lurking and trying to hide so that they could come out later. I dug into myself to find more traces of doubt -- more traces of unworthiness -- more lingering bits of some belief that I did not deserve the wonders of heaven. I purged. I asked God to once again strike me with the lightning bolt of enlightenment - and this time in an even deeper way because of the growth that I had already received on this journey. I asked to again be lifted up to that space of all-knowing peace that set me on this ride to begin with. I promised I would be willing to share or make myself available for that if it was meant to be.

I asked and I received. A peace and joy came over me where I could see the path - see the miracles and the promise ahead, and this time, it has stayed. It has not been moments that have flashed and then dwindled -- it has lingered and grown. So I continue on my journey for now, not knowing exactly where it will take me, ready to shift and change direction as needed, but here -- and feeling on course again -- at least for the moment, and that is all I can concern myself with. The moment is where our power lies.

As Louisa May Alcott said, "I am learning to sail my ship." The storms may come and they may scare me, but each one teaches me. And each one gets me closer to the Promised Land. It is within my glimpse and it is beautiful beyond expression.